Friday, May 25, 2007
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Vulnerability
My heart is sinking.
I do not know why or rather I don't want to know why.
Is it is because of my own burdens or just jealousy- dunno?
Wit is - it is strong. I decided not to go to office. Did not want to go out when I'm feeling so vulnerable, so very child like. And hence for once my need to protect myself took over. I jkust had this fleeting feeling for a moment - no, I'm feeling weak and immediately a part of me took the decision - stay at home, gather strength.
The past few days have been tough. The information that is coming to me is not plesant and I'm surprised - it get's its lessons that I do not mind but at times - like today, I'm completely drained of my energy resources.
The only - only solution I know of now is - Meditate.
I do not know why or rather I don't want to know why.
Is it is because of my own burdens or just jealousy- dunno?
Wit is - it is strong. I decided not to go to office. Did not want to go out when I'm feeling so vulnerable, so very child like. And hence for once my need to protect myself took over. I jkust had this fleeting feeling for a moment - no, I'm feeling weak and immediately a part of me took the decision - stay at home, gather strength.
The past few days have been tough. The information that is coming to me is not plesant and I'm surprised - it get's its lessons that I do not mind but at times - like today, I'm completely drained of my energy resources.
The only - only solution I know of now is - Meditate.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Patience
I need patience and that too faaasssttt...!!!
It is difficult not to get angry when people act smart or rather take you to be dumb and available.
I'm not sure if it is correct to keep a straight face and then walk away or to simply disarm then by exposing them - then and there.
Worse is when I realise that I have done the same things and some one else had to put up with me then. Obviously, they didn't make it any easier for me. but but but.....precisely the reason why I should be patient enough.
OK, I have been patient enough and I have seen through what is being done. Now, should I let them get away with it or simply walk away?
I think I'm going to walk away. Don't want to walked over.
It is difficult not to get angry when people act smart or rather take you to be dumb and available.
I'm not sure if it is correct to keep a straight face and then walk away or to simply disarm then by exposing them - then and there.
Worse is when I realise that I have done the same things and some one else had to put up with me then. Obviously, they didn't make it any easier for me. but but but.....precisely the reason why I should be patient enough.
OK, I have been patient enough and I have seen through what is being done. Now, should I let them get away with it or simply walk away?
I think I'm going to walk away. Don't want to walked over.
Saturday, February 3, 2007
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Dedication
Tomorrow is full moon. The moon is full during 5:45am london time. :-)
My mother used to fast though we are sikh and really not bound by fasting and similar traditions. Then during the evenings she would go upstairs reciting bani. This were private moments for her. As a child I never realised. At times I would go with her, playing or generally looking around till she nods me to join her. I don't exactly recollect but I gather she used to take water and sugar with her. And so she would offer the same, even I would get a chance to offer and then the rest was mine :-)). Having a sweet tooth made this like treat with a ritual. She would then proceed to have her first light meal of the day.
It is now I realise that it must be so demanding for her. She used to teach, then come back and take care of family - all on a few cups of tea.
I can't fast but tomorrow morning I shall pray as she used too and for her :-)
It is late but I love you mom and I miss you very much in my life.
refer to http://stars.metawire.com [daily planets]. This is general info - one site I like to check out.
My mother used to fast though we are sikh and really not bound by fasting and similar traditions. Then during the evenings she would go upstairs reciting bani. This were private moments for her. As a child I never realised. At times I would go with her, playing or generally looking around till she nods me to join her. I don't exactly recollect but I gather she used to take water and sugar with her. And so she would offer the same, even I would get a chance to offer and then the rest was mine :-)). Having a sweet tooth made this like treat with a ritual. She would then proceed to have her first light meal of the day.
It is now I realise that it must be so demanding for her. She used to teach, then come back and take care of family - all on a few cups of tea.
I can't fast but tomorrow morning I shall pray as she used too and for her :-)
It is late but I love you mom and I miss you very much in my life.
refer to http://stars.metawire.com [daily planets]. This is general info - one site I like to check out.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Quotation
Don't be dismayed by good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.
Richard Bach
I miss my friend and I don't want to wait for the next lifetime. :-(
Richard Bach
I miss my friend and I don't want to wait for the next lifetime. :-(
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Today
My morning and evening journey to and fro from home to office and vice-versa was in sync today.I had two occasions to do a kind act. Somewhere along the act, I feel I failed in both of them. Failed in the intention of it.
In the morning while I decided to take the train to office,I ran to board the first cabin. It was crowded, over crowded.tube leaving. Not much choice left and I didn't want to wait for another tube.As I heard the whistle, I felt desperate, catching from the corner of my eye people standing around other cabins as well. IT made no point to move and try another one. As I was still wondering what to do and there was no space as well, I heard the women behind me say please move, we are getting late for the school. While ideally, I should have moved and given her space or rather whatever , I pushed myself in and for the first time and in a polite voice requested people to move in. Wrong time - Politeness had no use. I should have expressed some desperation in my voice. Anyways, I moved in and felt a push. The lady had moved in as well along with her son and after 2 failed attempts during which the door could not close the bag was pulled in as well. It usually takes around 10 min to reach the main station and today it took 20 - so for the next 20 min all of us were stuck in a position. The little chap naturally grew restless and got talking.
son: why did you held up everyone?
mom: We are getting late for school. People should move in, people are selfish. Jesus!
son: we should board the 3 rd carriage.
mom: Yeah, I made a mistake , should take the last carriage. You know why this happened, because you were shuffling and moving here and there.We are late. You are late for school. you go, I don't.
anyways, we reached and the moment I stepped on the platform, I forgot about it, carried away in the flow of humanity and thoughts :-)
It was later that it kind of struck - was I selfish or reasonable in moving in and taking her push in a good spirit as well - I did smile through it.
In the evening- no, nothing happened in the tube. As I moved out of the station, a lady in a wheel chair generally called. I registered the call but couldn't really understand what she wanted.She was voluminous, almost pouring out of the chair - sry for describing it like this but that is how I felt. Cruel of me or rather insensitive of me.Anyways, I responded and seemed she wanted to be pushed till the bus stand. I did so but realised that she was in the wrong place and again pushed her till the right bus stop after asking the information stand. However, I had this thought in my head all along why does she want me to push and it was not easy pushing her. I mean why is she not also putting in some effort. As soon as I would leave to check the bus routes, she would start moving on. Actually, it would not be easy for her anytime, given her weight and handicap. And sensing that I did not mind pushing. I don't even know how comfortable or uncomfortable she was. But somewhere I felt uncomfortable - that she really did not need me but I was available to her. Dunno - sounds selfish but this is what I felt.
Too much thinking....
In the morning while I decided to take the train to office,I ran to board the first cabin. It was crowded, over crowded.tube leaving. Not much choice left and I didn't want to wait for another tube.As I heard the whistle, I felt desperate, catching from the corner of my eye people standing around other cabins as well. IT made no point to move and try another one. As I was still wondering what to do and there was no space as well, I heard the women behind me say please move, we are getting late for the school. While ideally, I should have moved and given her space or rather whatever , I pushed myself in and for the first time and in a polite voice requested people to move in. Wrong time - Politeness had no use. I should have expressed some desperation in my voice. Anyways, I moved in and felt a push. The lady had moved in as well along with her son and after 2 failed attempts during which the door could not close the bag was pulled in as well. It usually takes around 10 min to reach the main station and today it took 20 - so for the next 20 min all of us were stuck in a position. The little chap naturally grew restless and got talking.
son: why did you held up everyone?
mom: We are getting late for school. People should move in, people are selfish. Jesus!
son: we should board the 3 rd carriage.
mom: Yeah, I made a mistake , should take the last carriage. You know why this happened, because you were shuffling and moving here and there.We are late. You are late for school. you go, I don't.
anyways, we reached and the moment I stepped on the platform, I forgot about it, carried away in the flow of humanity and thoughts :-)
It was later that it kind of struck - was I selfish or reasonable in moving in and taking her push in a good spirit as well - I did smile through it.
In the evening- no, nothing happened in the tube. As I moved out of the station, a lady in a wheel chair generally called. I registered the call but couldn't really understand what she wanted.She was voluminous, almost pouring out of the chair - sry for describing it like this but that is how I felt. Cruel of me or rather insensitive of me.Anyways, I responded and seemed she wanted to be pushed till the bus stand. I did so but realised that she was in the wrong place and again pushed her till the right bus stop after asking the information stand. However, I had this thought in my head all along why does she want me to push and it was not easy pushing her. I mean why is she not also putting in some effort. As soon as I would leave to check the bus routes, she would start moving on. Actually, it would not be easy for her anytime, given her weight and handicap. And sensing that I did not mind pushing. I don't even know how comfortable or uncomfortable she was. But somewhere I felt uncomfortable - that she really did not need me but I was available to her. Dunno - sounds selfish but this is what I felt.
Too much thinking....
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Reading
It is like legacy passed down from my mother. I don't think I ever realised it as a child. But today from where I stand, it is my source of warmth :-). If I'm hungry and thristy- I can easily go and stand in a bok shop and forget all about it.
At times, though, I wonder - am I living too much in the mind? Reading and living in the world of thoughts and ideas, am I grounded enough? Getting as much as 9 books from the library makes me wonder - is it becoming an obsession? am I running away from life?
Months back I had heard a distinguished speaker start his seminar by saying that the only drawback of books is that they don't smile back as humans do. I did not like what I heard and wondered - oh, you don't know what it is like to have a book in hand, it is an intimate conversation the nature which cannot be controlled. It is my belief born out of my experience that it is the book who decides who shall read and when. Mortals may spend money to purchase the book but they cannot decide the time when they shall be able to comprehend the contents. Thus when I can't grasp a book - I'm not dissapointed - I wait :-) .
I shall be returning some of the books I got yesterday. I still have quite a few remaining.
Of the many that I'm reading the two I pick for this week are London the biography by Peter Ackroyd and Intution by Alan Seale.
More laters...
At times, though, I wonder - am I living too much in the mind? Reading and living in the world of thoughts and ideas, am I grounded enough? Getting as much as 9 books from the library makes me wonder - is it becoming an obsession? am I running away from life?
Months back I had heard a distinguished speaker start his seminar by saying that the only drawback of books is that they don't smile back as humans do. I did not like what I heard and wondered - oh, you don't know what it is like to have a book in hand, it is an intimate conversation the nature which cannot be controlled. It is my belief born out of my experience that it is the book who decides who shall read and when. Mortals may spend money to purchase the book but they cannot decide the time when they shall be able to comprehend the contents. Thus when I can't grasp a book - I'm not dissapointed - I wait :-) .
I shall be returning some of the books I got yesterday. I still have quite a few remaining.
Of the many that I'm reading the two I pick for this week are London the biography by Peter Ackroyd and Intution by Alan Seale.
More laters...
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Office blues
After a long time I felt really low because of a small incident that happened in my office today. The whole drama would have lasted some 5-10 min's with the most intense scene for say a minute. Man, it drained me like hell.
I spend my whole day in office and a harsh working environment affects me like anything.
The Icing on the cake is that the very person with whom I clashed, adviced me to develop a thick skin as I work in production support environment. It has been and it is going to be like this.
Human beings are so vulnerable when it comes to their own skin and so bloody thick skinned when it comes to beating another person.
damn it .....
I spend my whole day in office and a harsh working environment affects me like anything.
The Icing on the cake is that the very person with whom I clashed, adviced me to develop a thick skin as I work in production support environment. It has been and it is going to be like this.
Human beings are so vulnerable when it comes to their own skin and so bloody thick skinned when it comes to beating another person.
damn it .....
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
Happy New Year - 2007 :-)
Here starts another year...phew it seems like a long way since 2000.
I still recollect, I was in hostel and we used to talk about 2003,2004 and where we would be and now it is 2007 ..long long way :-))
I started my new year in a special way this year. Went for a vipassana course from 21st till 31st. Travelled back on 1st after the course got over in the early hours of the morning. Janta had breakfast and said goodbye's :-)
I'll probably devote a post to that.
Just wanted to formally welcome the new year on my blog :-)
ahh haaa...
I still recollect, I was in hostel and we used to talk about 2003,2004 and where we would be and now it is 2007 ..long long way :-))
I started my new year in a special way this year. Went for a vipassana course from 21st till 31st. Travelled back on 1st after the course got over in the early hours of the morning. Janta had breakfast and said goodbye's :-)
I'll probably devote a post to that.
Just wanted to formally welcome the new year on my blog :-)
ahh haaa...
2007
Here starts another year...phew it seems like a long way since 2000.
I still recollect, I was in hostel and we used to talk about 2003,2004 and where we would be and now it is 2007 ..long long way :-))
I started my new year in a special way this year. Went for a vipassana course from 21st till 31st. Travelled back on 1st after the course got over in the early hours of the morning. Janta had breakfast and said goodbye's :-)
I'll probably devote a post to that.
Just wanted to formally welcome the new year on my blog :-)
ahh haaa...
I still recollect, I was in hostel and we used to talk about 2003,2004 and where we would be and now it is 2007 ..long long way :-))
I started my new year in a special way this year. Went for a vipassana course from 21st till 31st. Travelled back on 1st after the course got over in the early hours of the morning. Janta had breakfast and said goodbye's :-)
I'll probably devote a post to that.
Just wanted to formally welcome the new year on my blog :-)
ahh haaa...
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